Demon Food Processor

The other day i decided to try to be healthy and make myself a nice strawberry smoothie.

First off can I say,

"Why manufacturers, why? Why must your machine have eight thousand pieces and be the devil to work with!" 

To start off I also own a food steamer so a lot of those pieces were getting confused with the food processor's. 

So I've never used said food processor before, setting me up for failure.

Anyway, after I finally figure out what pieces go where, I lock everything in and press the button to start it.

It does nothing.

I jiggle it around a bit and to my surprise, it still does nothing.

I can be really thick sometimes can't I?

So after that little idiot moment I decide to go online and look up the directions, making the first good idea yet.

So I read through the whole manual and I can't see anything I did wrong.

By this point this stupid food processor is really annoying me, but I reeally want a smoothie. 

Another 45 minutes of struggle fest 2013 I  push the button and it whirs to life, scaring the absolute living crap out of me.

Who am I to challenge why it works, I just put my frozen strawberries in, hit puree, and I'm done.

Now because I am the most curious person in the world I look online and finally figure out why it worked.

The handle on the plastic bin has to be facing you to work.

Stupid.

Blog surfing

So recently one of my favorite things to do is blog surf.

You know the little bar at the top of the screen that says "next blog"?

Well you just click that and it will take you to different blogs.

Its fun to see all the different kinds of blogs and people in the world.

Most of them are religious but if you catch a good funny one it's like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.



So I have a dare for anyone who reads my blog.

Comment in the comment section your favorite blog.

It could be one you found blog surfing, or just one you find funny.

So please if you have the time do it, it would mean a lot to me and it could help whoever writes the blog get views.

Insane Mega Jerk Alarm, and Cat Puke.

So last night the universe was against me sleeping.

First, a little back story.

I never let my cats in my room at night, they're too annoying

At about 8:45-9:00 ish I left my room and went to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and all other before bed activities.

When i opened my door i found Cat 2 (the fat gray tiger) sitting outside my door.

I then realized he does this every night because he wants to sleep in my room.

Aw

So i proceeded to go do what i needed whilst loving him and petting him.

I sat on the bathroom floor so i could cuddle him a bit.

It's pretty cold on the bathroom floor though so my brain said "why dont u just let him on your bed, just this once"

Stupid brain, stupid!

So that's how he ended up sleeping on my bed

After licking himself for about an hour he finally settled down and went to sleep, which is important but I will come back to it later.

Now, on a completely different story, at about 1:30 AM my smoke detector alarm decides to sing me the low battery song of its people.


BEEP!    BEEP!           BEEP!         BEEP!

For about an hour, then it finally turns off (I think it ran out of battery, ha!) and I go back to sleep.


Alright now back to the other story.

You know how I said it was important that my cat licked himself for about an hour before sleep?

At about 2:30 AM, He decides that tonight is a good a night as any to puke on my bed.

I wake up to the sound of him dry retching, and I panic.

See I just got this bed a couple weeks ago and I spent extra on really nice sheets I did not want him to ruin.

My barely awake brain goes into major panic mode, only thing in my brain is

"No No No No No No"

So, my brilliant brain decides that the best course of action is to clamp his mouth shut with my hand and try to get him off my bed.

I should probably mention at this point that I have a full loft bed with a ladder, so I can't just throw him off.

Halfway down the ladder I can't hold it back anymore, he pukes all over my hand, legs, and the overflow gets on my carpet.

He proceeds to try to eat his own puke.

Another hour later I'm cleaned up and finally getting back to bed.

Great.




So that's the story of how I ended up going to bed at 4 AM, smelling like cat puke.

This is what I get for trying to be nice to my cat.

The Simple Cat

I have two cats.

One is a very regal black and white girl cat, I'll post a picture here.

I also have a gray tiger boy kitten who is a year old and 14 lbs, He is the fattest cat I have ever seen that age.


I'll post a picture of him here,

As you can see there's a great difference in the two cats, I'm going to refer to them as cat 1 (The black and white one), and cat 2 (The gray tiger).

Now, cat 1 has never had another cat in the house before so when we brought cat 2 home it was a big deal.

It doesn't help that cat 2 terrorizes our cat 1 to no end.

Cat 2 seems to be missing the problem solving part of his brain.

Whenever he encounters a problem like no food or he wants to get out of a room with the door closed, he lays down and cries as loud as he can until we fix it.

He is also the laziest cat I have ever encountered.



So a while back I decided to test my suspicion that he might be a little, stupid. 

I went online and found a cat IQ test and decided to try it.

Here's how it went.



TEST ONE

Test- Put a blanket over your cat, time how long it takes the cat to get out from under the blanket.

Result- As soon as I put the blanket over his head he started to cry, a lot. After I didn't come to his immediate rescue he decided to lay down and sleep.

Score- 0 out of 10


TEST TWO

Test- Put laundry basket over cats head, observe the cats attempts to escape
Result- He cried, a lot. After I didn't come to his immediate rescue he lay down and went to sleep.

Score- 0 out of 10


TEST THREE

Test- Place food underneath a clear bin, see what cat does

Result- Cat does nothing. spends five minutes laying down then walks out of the bathroom, climbs into the food bag on the washing machine, lays down and eats.

Score- Showing a little better progress so I'll give him a 2 out of 10, possibly because I don't want to see my cat fail.




So after a few more tests like this, him scoring the same on most of them, 0, I got back the final results and here they are. ( I'm copying and pasting these results straight from the website)


Your cat isn't the smartest. It relies on you to fix most of its major problems. This kind of cat will probably be friendlier because it sees you as more of a provider than other cats would. 

Your cats final result is: SIMPLE.


So my cat is simple. Don't ask me what that means, or why they felt the need to caps lock it.

He's simple.

Like A Boss

Is it bad that I go through life narrating what I'm doing and adding 'like a boss' at the end of every sentence?

Brushing my teeth, like a boss

Making a sandwich, like a boss

Loading the dishwasher, like a boss.

Idk, maybe that's normal, maybe not. 

Jerk

So we're driving in the car today and we slow down, put our blinker on and get ready to turn.

The next thing we know, a car honks at us, almost hits us, the person in the car flips us the one finger salute, and drives away.

I thought it was hilarious.

We do nothing, this guy almost hits us, then he blames us.

People can be jerks

The Butter Miracle of 2013

Most Sundays, at least as far back as I can remember, I've gone to church. 8 AM mass.

Most times after mass my family will ether go and get donuts at dunkin donuts, or go out to breakfast at a local diner.

Today we decided to go to the diner.

Most times we sit in the back at a big table but today we sat out in the front.

There's one waiter who always serves us but because we sat in the front today he didn't.

About halfway through the meal he shows up at our table with a little paper cup of butter saying, "Isn't this butter perfect?"

Upon inspection we decided that yes, this butter was in fact quite perfect. Equally round and smooth.

So we continued with our meal, chatting , having a good time.

After we finished and were waiting for the check i picked up the butter for further inspection.

I found that a smiley face had appeared in the butter!

Two lines for eyes and a curved mouth!

I showed everyone else and they all agreed ya, that's really cool!

We called the waiter over and at first he was kinda joking yelling at us for messing up the perfect butter but when we told him we hadn't touched it all meal he said.

"wow. I guess it's Jesus butter then."

We were all crying from laughter.

They decided to save it to show future patrons during the day and we left the diner thouroughly convinced that it was a sign.

A sign from god telling us to smile.

I guess it really was Jesus butter after all.

Bowling

Tonight I'm going bowling.

This should end well.

Cooking

Cooking is an interesting thing for me.

I can cook basic food like bagels and pasta, barely.

My big problem is that I can make other things, just not very well, it seems like every time at least one thing has to go wrong.


For instance,

The other day I tried to be a cool older sister and tried to make my brother mac and cheese.

I'm going to say it ahead of time, I hate mac and cheese. The stuff disgusts me.

It might be that you have to literally squeeze a giant bag of cholesterol into a thing of pasta, i don't know.

Anyway, to start it all off i went to pour the pasta from the box into the boiling water and completely forgot about the "cheese" bag until,  'plop'.  It falls in the water.

One new box of mac and cheese and one new pot of boiling water later, I'm back on track. The pasta is cooking in the water, the "cheese" is sitting on the counter waiting.

At the moment i'm feeling all proud of myself, "hey look at me, doing mature things like cooking!"

So I decided to have a little victorious celebration. I crank the tunes up while dancing around my kitchen like an idiot.

I swear to god once I turn on music, I can't turn it off. It does something loopy to my brain and it makes me HAVE to dance.

Twenty minutes later I finally get all of my dancing out of my body and I find, I've completely overcooked my macaroni.

I throw it out of the pot and into the colander I had all pre set up like an intelligent person.

I squeeze the cheese out onto it, throw it in a bowl, ad serve it to my brother.

He takes one bite, makes a face, and pushes it away.

Me- "what's wrong"

Him- "It tastes funny!"

Me -"No, it doesnt"

Him-"Yes it does!"

I then do the unthinkable, I try it.

Like I said before, I hate this stuff.

I barely hold back the urge to instantly throw up long enough to swallow it.

Crap. He's right. It tastes... wrong.

I re-read the instructions to find that you have to ad butter, and a lot of it.

After doing so I bring the new buttered stuff to my brother.

He proceeds to get up and walk away, saying "I'm not even hungry anymore"


Great.